Two things the upcoming generations seem to experience more of are lowness and loneliness. Of course, being more happy is not easy. And sometimes it needs professional help. But what follows is wisdom written to someone struggling in a general sense.
I have always found it helpful to think through any issue by considering it in the light of the four stages of human experience: How our deepest desires are good because of creation, impacted by sin, being put right by Jesus, and perfected in the world to come.
Creation: God created us perfect, to enjoy knowing and serving him together in Eden and beyond. This tells us that our desire for happiness is not wrong. And it can be fulfilled at four levels: Relating to God. Serving him as we work to bring the world to flourishing. Enjoying the things of the world he’s given us. Relating to other people. This means our desire for friendship is good too. We were made to share life with others. It’s part of being human.
Sin: Because humanity have rejected God, these things have been wrecked. Our relationship with God has been broken. Our work has become dissatisfying. We fail to enjoy the things of the world. And relationships with others are difficult and hard to navigate. And the degree to which we experience this differs too.
1. Because of temperament, some just find happiness harder, whether due to a melancholy nature or depression. I would add neurodiversity here too.
2. Because of circumstance, some face sickness, bereavement, abuse, stress or mental illness. Even too much spare time can be a problem as it brings boredom, spiralling thoughts, and a sense of failure.
3. Because of culture, certain generations find it harder, like those living in a time of war, poverty or a pandemic. Or today, the struggle with the cost of living, employment, or the online life that makes real relationships and enjoyment of creation harder.
All this means that we’re not failing if we struggle to be happy or make good friends. We live in a world that isn’t as it should be. And there are reasons that attaining these things may be harder for you than for others, yet also easier for you than for some. And so we will at times mourn over how this all feels to us, as Jesus said in the beatitudes.
Salvation: Jesus puts these things right for Christians, but only partially in this life. So, he restores our relationship with God but in this age it requires faith and much effort to make the most of. He restores our sense of serving him by working to the benefit of the world, but that only softens the sense of dissatisfaction as difficulties at work remain. He restores our interest in the things of this world, but our enjoyment of them can still be limited by distraction, inattentiveness, and all sorts of other factors. He restores us to love other people, but they can still very much let us down as we can them.
New Creation: As we continue to struggle, we do have hope. We don’t need to despair, as we look forward to the kingdom of God where we will know the delight of relating to God perfectly, of serving his purposes, of enjoying the world as it should be, and engaging in the deepest friendships without any fear of it going wrong.
So what’s the way ahead?
The diagram shows the things that make us happy. They range from the most foundational and unchanging whatever our circumstances at the bottom, to those that are less reliable and more changeable at the top.
So, there are four practical steps corresponding to the four levels.
1. God: Deepen your relationship with God.
I can’t overemphasize the difference this makes. It does take effort. Enjoy giving yourself a time each day to lose yourself in the Bible, so you can get to know him there in what he’s like and what he wants. Start with the New Testament. Learn to trust him, especially that he is using whatever you go through to shape you into the person he wants you to be in this life and the next. Learn also to start your day with prayer and, throughout the day, converse over everything with him. Especially, learn to think on and state the many blessings he has given you and that mean you have so much: Physically in your gifts, family, church, country and place you live etc. And spiritually, that he has saved you and made you his child, given you his Spirit and stored up a wonderful life for you in the world to come. All these make you one of the most fortunate in history.
2. Service: Focus on making your goal pleasing God.
We are like children learning to walk. So, our feeble efforts bring real delight to our heavenly Father and we can take pleasure when they do. We can find real joy in how we dealt with a difficult person or how an activity we’re doing may shape us to better serve him in the future. And with this mindset, we find that seeing others serve and please God makes us happy too. More than that, by focusing on serving God, our minds are taken away from focusing on ourselves and our disappointments. Of course we will constantly fail to serve as we should. But even that brings a happiness as we come to him for forgiveness and thank him for his grace.
The importance of these first two point is that no matter how bad life gets, these things remain. And so there can strangely be joy in these things even when you may be sad. And so, although they may not make loneliness or lowness disappear, they certain soften those feelings. This is what enabled the apostle Paul to “rejoice in the Lord” even in prison (Philippians 1v12-26), and meant he could say he had “learned the secret of being content” no matter how bad his situation (Philippians 4v4-13).
3. Creation: Actively try to enjoy the good things all around you.
The book of Ecclesiastes, speaks of how the difficulties of work can make us despair. But it also say that we can find satisfaction simply in the fact of working hard. The book is honest about the struggles of life, but speaks of how we can find joy and gladness in food and drink and clothes and relationships (Ecclesiastes 3v9-13, 9v7-10). The point is that God has given the everyday things to help us find happiness when life is a struggle. So, try your hand at new things that might refresh you. Walk when you can and enjoy just looking at everything and thinking on it. Maybe take up one hobby that will give you enjoyment: like going to the gym or gardening. Even better if it is something that brings you into contact with those of similar interests, like getting involved at church or joining a club. And, although you may find people harder, invest in the safer relationships God has given you. Make time with your family to hang out or play games or go for a walk. And make time for those at church too, even if they aren’t your age.
4. People: Pursue friendships without investing all your hopes in them.
If you look again at the pyramid, you will notice that friendship is just the small part at the top. That’s not to say its not significant. But the point is that when you consider all other things that can bring happiness, you can try to make friends without despairing if they don’t work out. You don’t have to wait for meaningful friendships before you can enjoy much of life. So, try to build non-Christian friendship, but being open about your faith so you aren’t pressured to compromise. Pray about it. And if it doesn’t work out, that’s a shame. But its ok. And try to give time to one or two Christian friendships, but being very patient with the fact that even Christians get things wrong and that doesn’t mean they don’t like you. Look for people you have something in common with or who seem to enjoy spending time with you. Again, pray about it. And know that if it doesn’t work out, that’s ok. Allow yourself to be disappointed. But don’t think that means you’re unlikeable or will never be able to have friends.
Think of all this like summitting Ben Nevis. The major joy of knowing and imperfectly serving God is to get to the top and see the view. But when there you'd also find a bit more joy in eating your lunch, reading a book, or walking around in such a special place with your family, and even more so in climbing on top of a rock pile with friends to say you’ve been as a high as possible. But if you don't get to manage those things you may be a bit disappointed, but you’re still happy, as you made it to the top and that’s the main thing!